Joined: 12 Dec 1999
|Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 4:10 pm Post subject: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
|This short list culled from the book “Great One Liners” by Kamien was one of my Christmas presents to my brother. The book is no longer available anywhere (Amazon can’t find it), so I'm presuming it's OK to post these excerpts. If you find a copy (it's bright yellow) on the Barnes & Noble discount cart as I did recently, consider yourself lucky; this list is a small drop in the bucket. Do not read this in the library; the librarian will kick you out.
Never, ever, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. (Woody Allen)
Do you know why they called it PMS? Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. (Dave Barry)
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. "The whole time", I answered.
If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him ... is he still wrong?
WILL ROGERS GEMS:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are two theories about how to argue with a woman. Neither works.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin)
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms … are they afraid someone will sneak in and clean them?
Life is sexually transmitted.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea ... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Posted in a veterinarian's office: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
A penguin walks into a bar and asks, "Has my brother been in?" "I don't know," says the bartender. "What does he look like?"
A dog has a master. A cat has staff.
Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they all have boyfriends.
Men don't care what's on TV; they only care what ELSE is on TV. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The internet is a great way to get on the net. (Bob Dole)
REAL HEADLINERS FROM REAL NEWSPAPERS:
Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Son
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
New Study of Obesity Look for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snack
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Hospitals Are Used by 7 Foot Doctors
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Lawyer's creed: a man is innocent until proven broke.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I took a speed reading course and read “War and Peace” in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker; the other is a fish.
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forwards, they'd be in the boat.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Parenting is a negative process. Keep your children from killing themselves or anyone else, and hope for the best.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. It comes right behind being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I pass out.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
Deja Moo: the feeling you've heard this bull before.
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we know it as golf.
The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is because posting "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians creates a hostile work environment.
The proctologist called. They found your head.
Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.
To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do (Frank Sinatra)
Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the shower? The shampoo directions said, "Wash, rinse, repeat."
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra? He get taller.
The second most-asked question in New York City is, "Are the Yankees going to win this year?" The most asked is, of course, "What the hell are you lookin' at?"
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
Doppler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank just got robbed. (Johnny Carson)
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes? “Toes Go In Front”.
To err is human. To shrug is Civil Service.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Anyone else notice that "zebra" is an anagram of "dyslexia"?
I love to visit Washington, if only to be closer to my money. (Bob Hope)
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what is costs when it's free! (P.J. O'Rourke)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. (Will Rogers)
Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence, punctuated by committee meetings. (George Will)
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Joined: 11 Nov 1993
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