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Windsurfing spouse. Good thing or bad??
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nealpar



Joined: 25 Oct 1998
Posts: 624

PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 2:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poor little Spyder:

I think the problem is with the dynamics of your relationship! It has nothing to do with the sport. I got tension just reading about you two. (maybe because it reminded me of one or two past relationships of my own)

Here comes my amateur psycho analysis, albeit derived from valuable life lessons:

You guys are either competitive with each other (not a good thing in a relationship), or both have unresolved self-esteem issues, both of which can result in constant control/power trip originated conflicts, where neither one truly supports the other. (what the hell is up with going to a gym AFTER windsurfing....a little body image obsessed??? ....hm?)

Also, the "withholding of sex" issue. That only happens when the sex isn't that great to begin with (at least for her). Believe me, if the sex were truly good for both, she'd be into it... windsurfing or no windsurfing...stoke or no stoke.... However, this is a very tricky area for relationships. Guys are usually clueless, and women are complicated.

I'm no expert, but my theory is this: Women yearn for security in relationships, therefore they generally choose a mate that can provide that for them, and are willing to compromise (or give up) on other important features, such as true sexual/physical attraction for the man. Often, [and this complicates things for both sides] women even manage to fool themselves and their mate that they are sexually into the man, when in reality, it is their "need to feel secure" that is supporting the sex drive, and not the TRUE, RAW and REAL sexual attraction for the man. Sooner or later, the "missing ingredient" rears its ugly head in some form....fighting, power plays, withholding sex to punish or control....cheating....etc...and both end up feeling unhappy, or as if...something is missing.

It all comes down to knowing oneself and being true to oneself! This seems to be the most difficult thing to accomplish for most people.

Good luck.
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swchandler



Joined: 08 Nov 1993
Posts: 5433

PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that there's a lot of truth to nealpar's analysis above, and it gains particular value and strength given it's a female's perspective on the situation.

If I was to offer a few thoughts, I would say that many relationships occur because folks are fearful of being alone. As a result, the concessions sometimes made to forge a relationship can work against it as time moves on. Also, the interests and directions that individuals pursue and focus on can often change over the years, and that can test the nature and strength of their relationships, especially if their mate doesn't share newer interests.

Needless to say, even if a relationship is as close to perfect as things can get, they still require constant attention and dedication to maintain. I admire those that really can make it work over the long haul.
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nealpar



Joined: 25 Oct 1998
Posts: 624

PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 4:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

swchandler wrote:
...many relationships occur because folks are fearful of being alone. As a result, the concessions sometimes made to forge a relationship can work against it as time moves on.


I concur wholeheartedly. (finally something we agree on?)

I read an article a while back about a "cutting-edge" and therefore, controversial, piece of proposed legislation whereby marriages would be treated as "RENEWABLE CONTRACTS". Thus, for example, a marriage would LEGALLY CEASE TO EXIST, or "EXPIRE" after 7 years. Only if the parties mutually desire to RENEW the marriage contract, would it then continue for another 7 yr. term.

I think it's an interesting proposal, and it contemplates what swchandler also mentioned about how marriages don't keep up with the changes that people experience over time.

As far as long marriages or relationships, I see them simply as people's ability to compromise or succumb over time, or just lose hope of ever finding another mate. Thus, rather than feeling "admiration", I feel compassion for their ability to "endure". The ones I personally admire are those who don't compromise, and perhaps choose the more difficult road of NOT SETTLING. Surely, the latter type can find themselves alone at times...but....having been in both situations, I find it (at least for me) to be the preferred existence!
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rowena



Joined: 13 Aug 2003
Posts: 166
Location: Mars satellite

PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Time for the iwindsurf forum to tackle relationships, too? Pretty cool.

Nealpar: wise words.

Spyder: I hope you are no longer with said girlfriend. Like NP said, what is wrong with your relationship wasn’t about windsurfing. Lots of anger and resentment in your post. Thank you for baring your soul to us, and I hope you have found a more loving relationship.

Most people feel insecure and not “complete” themselves, so they look for a mate to “complete” them. Unfortunately another person cannot make you feel complete and whole, only you can do that. So most relationships fail because people resent the amount of “giving of themselves”. They fear they are giving too much without reciprocation. Many times it is because they have unresolved issues from childhood, etc., in which they feel UNWORTHY of love. Yet, each of us already has what we need. Once we accept ourselves for our failures, we will know true self-love, and not require it from others. This is not to be confused with self-adoration. (i.e., looking in the mirror constantly for self-gratification.) True self-love and acceptance means you are so right with yourself, that giving to friends, lovers, family is no big deal.

Remember the Buddhist mantra: Want everything; need nothing. Want love. Want brand new windsurfing gear. But NEED nothing. When you don’t need anything from your mate, you will be happy. You will bring joy to the relationship, and even rig her sail without feeling used. Because you are full of self-acceptance, you don’t see the giving and rigging as taking away from YOU. You don’t feel “used” because there’s plenty more where that came from. It always begins with the self.

If your mate does not respect you, which is what I gleaned from Spyder’s post, then by all means move on. She needs to respect your gifts. In most successful relationships I’ve seen, the participants respect each other. They are friends first, marriage partners second.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!


Very Happy
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spyder



Joined: 24 Sep 1996
Posts: 2790
Location: oahu

PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks fellas for the insightful posts.

it was a very poisonous relationship for sure, and gladly I am free and clear now. she wound up cheating on me with about 4 guys and then married one of them, moved away to a different state.

lot's of truth in what was said, the main thing is to not repeat the mistakes of the past. that's why I am happily single (for the moment).

peace and good winds.
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jpbassking



Joined: 19 May 1998
Posts: 2299
Location: Leo

PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yo spyder, good riddence to that wench. who needs her..yikes what a nightnare,

yo rowena, have you made billy dinner yet?

yo nealpar, where's that bottle of massage and vodka you promised?

_________________
{JP:}====****
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eydam



Joined: 15 Sep 1999
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:08 am    Post subject: Hey Mountainbear Reply with quote

Eh Mountainbear,

What about the cupcakes at cupcake beach. Maybe you should scrap your windsurf gear and start kiting! Laughing

Ugly windsurf woman
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spyder



Joined: 24 Sep 1996
Posts: 2790
Location: oahu

PostPosted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jpbassking wrote:
yo spyder, good riddence to that wench. who needs her..yikes what a nightnare,



yes, a nightmare is an under statement. Shocked
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